A report from the deathlands…
We are still hanging on here clinging desperately to life as Armageddon rages around us. The perimeter was probed late last night by dozens of civil servants in a coordinated attack meant to reveal critical weaknesses in our defenses. I allowed them some ground in a baited ambush and then popped a 55-gallon drum of foo gas on them. The smell of roasted bureaucrat hung heavy in the air when the sun rose this morning. We remained on 100% security until well after stand-to, our blood-shot eyes steadily scanning the charred wastes of what once was a humble slice of suburbia.
I did an inventory of our supplies today. We’re getting low on coffee, but I still have plenty of vodka. So we’re good.
Trash is piling up everywhere so we began burning it in the backyard. Some heavily armed agents from the EPA pulled up in an MRAP bristling with weapons and instantly issued me a citation for not having a proper burn permit. I asked them how come the first responders, school teachers and border patrol agents were all furloughed but the EPA had agents on duty cruising the dustbowls. They told me “Priorities man, we gotta make sure that the Red-cockaded woodpeckers are protected.” I told him there weren’t any woodpeckers around and he told me to go fuck myself. I asked to speak to his supervisor and he responded that he was the supervisor and to go fuck myself. Then he put his sweet Oakleys back on, got back in his MRAP and drove away.
I’ve got to go now, I need to go organize the neighbors into hobo hunting parties. We need fresh meat to feed the hungry kids.