Things not allowed in the Apocalypse

OK you Freaks, starting on day number one of Da Apoc here are a few things no longer allowed:

1.  No smoking signs.  Life expectancy is now pretty much measured in hours so ya may as well light em up.

2.  Claiming you are “in charge” because you are an “elected official”.  This ain’t a Battlestar Galactica episode.  Nobody cares if you were the School Board Commissioner.  Now you are just another mouth to feed so get to some useful work, or get lost.

3.  Asking for help from total strangers to go deep into a smoldering city through a mass of raiders/zombies/mutants/rioters/liberals to save your mother-in-law/cousin/brother/sister/lover etc….   Spouses, and children, are of course an exception but don’t take it personally when the group of total strangers doesn’t seem to value them as much as you do in a risk-benefit analysis.  Learn to cut your losses.

4.  Putting sweaters on little dogs.  Just because it’s Da Apoc doesn’t mean you get to be cruel to animals.

5.  Going “tsk-tsk” when you see someone pulling on a fifth at eight in the morning.  See number one.  Besides they may be pretty bombed, take offense and then plug you full of holes.

6.  Oh, based on number five I’m gonna expand that to: don’t randomly piss people off with pre-Apoc moral objections to things.  Again for the “plug you full of holes” reason.

7.  Thinking you can get away with raping and murdering random folks.  Justice will be swift and final.  Some things there are no excuse for so you may as well save your breath for trying to run faster than 2,800 fps.

8.  Starting a new cult.  If you didn’t start the cult BEFORE the Apoc then you are  just a weirdo looking to score on gullible chicks.  If you publicly predicted the actual Apoc date before it hit then you get full bragging rights and your cult can then be recognized as an official post-Apoc power group and get to wear matching propeller beanies or whatever.

9.  Pouring hooch onto the ground to memorialize the dead.  No wasting booze people!  Even the crappy hooch will eventually become the good hooch when the real good hooch is exhausted.  Waste not, want not, in the Apoc.  Geeze ya’d thing that common sense would eventually come into play.  Oh yeah, use some common damn sense at all times.  Yup, that’s what I meant with the whole no “pouring hooch on to the ground” thing.

10.  Posting random lists of “ten rules” for anything.  Rules suck, so frak em and reload!

soul of the evil squirrel

About The Pissed Off Tree Rat
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7 Responses to Things not allowed in the Apocalypse

  1. Rules are reasonable with a caveat. I will pour hooch on the grave of some people, I will just filter it through my kidneys first. Caveat subsection, I will not necessarily wait until some of them are in their graves…or dead

  2. Love the perspective Sanford!

  3. Re: Number 8 – If you successfully predicted the date of the Apocalypse – you will automatically come under suspicion for having caused it!

  4. Well most assuredly Tedd. But isn’t it “water under the bridge” at that point?

  5. bltdonahue says:

    I think Tedd’s speaking from his own play book, POTR…

  6. Ted’s on the “watch” list.

  7. salgak says:

    Actually, in the footsteps of the famed Chappaquiddick Swimmer, the NEW axiom is “that’s just Buicks off the bridge”. . . .

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