Due to several “incidents” last year during the National 4-day bender weekended a new PSA is in order. I like to call it the Have you been turned into a zombie, or are you just really drunk?” questionnaire. I’ve used a standard govt acronym to shorten for simplicity as just the HYBTIAZOAYJRD questionnaire. Sounds nice and official like that huh? So on to question number one to determine if you are drunk, or have you been turned into an zombie.
1. Every Time You Speak it Comes Out as a Moan
If you are in the middle of having sex it’s questionable if you’re drunk or turning into a zombie. So keep reviewing the further questions.
2. People Remark that You Smell Like Roadkill
Unless you are in the middle of actually cooking roadkill it’s not looking good for you right now. Even if you are actually cooking roadkill it’s not looking good for you right now. So let’s just say that smelling like roadkill is not really a promising sign any way you slice it.
3. Passersby Compliment You on Your Sexy Shamble
If the compliments are from a Goth member of the opposite sex you’re leaning “zombie”. If it’s a barfly making the statement your leaning “drunk”.
4. You Have an Uncontrollable Urge to shop on Ebay after midnight
OK, this pushes you hard into the “drunk” line as you won’t care much for a good deal on a Hello Kitty clutch bag as a “zombie”.
5. Hunger is Your Only Motivation
Assuming you’ve not been hitting Uncle Ray’s “special” smokes and your craving nachos and wings then we’ll call this “drunk” leaning. If your feeling the urge to pick up some fava beans then you may need to start shopping for some air fresheners to wear around your neck.
6. Your Friends Keep Trying to shoot You on the Head
Now this is a real bad sign that pushes hard into the “zombie” category. Only exception is if you, and said buddies, are playing the “William Tell” game. In that case push way opposite on the scale back to “drunk”.
7. Your Rate of Decomposition Has Severely Increased
Unless you’re currently at a sci-fi con on a four day acknowledged bender then you better work on you shambling gait as you’re like one of the Legion now.
8. You Were Pronounced Dead and People Ran Screaming When You Got Up
Another tough one………….. better puut this down as “zombie”, unless you have a signed Dr’s note and an AA card.
9. You Crave Human Flesh
Hmmmmm, unless you grew up in the Korowai tribe of south-eastern Papua I’d say it’s time to get ready for more head shot attempts by your likely drunken buddies.
10. You Have Been Bitten by a Zombie
You’re just fraked and should think of doing the noble thing for the benefit of mankind. A heroic last stand, in your final minutes of consciousness, holding the hordes at bay as your drunken buddies escape is always appreciated. You’re turning into a zombie and “drunk” is now discounted.
Modified from horor list at here.