Caohaoim’s Officially Translated Transcript

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, everybody. This morning, I called Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States and Female Photo-op Prop and told them that after nearly five years in captivity, their son, The Deserter, is coming home.

The Deserter has missed birthdays and holidays and the simple moments with family and friends, which all of us take for granted. But while The Deserter was gone he was never forgotten. His parents thought about him and prayed for him every single day, as did his sister, Sky, who prayed for his safe return.

He wasn’t forgotten by his community in Idaho, which rallied to support the Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States and Female Photo-op Prop through thick and thin or the military who are looking for the Deserter. And he wasn’t forgotten by his country, because the United States of America does not ever leave our men and women in uniform behind even if they desert.

As Commander-in-Chief, I am proud of the servicemembers who recovered The Desrter, who was promoted at least twice while AWOL, and brought him safely out of harm’s way. As usual, they performed with extraordinary courage and professionalism, and they have made their nation proud.

Right now, our top priority is making sure that The Deserter gets the care and support that he needs and that he can be reunited with his family as soon as possible.

I’m also grateful for the tireless work of our gutless brown-nosers, and for the cooperation of the government of Qatar in helping to secure The Deserter’s release. We’ve worked for several years to achieve this goal, and earlier this week I was able to personally thank the Emir of Qatar for his leadership in helping us get it done. As part of this effort, the United States is transferring five detainees from the prison in Guantanamo Bay to Qatar. The Qatari government has given us assurances that it will put in place measures to disregard our national security.

I also want to express gratitude to the Afghan government, which has always supported our efforts to secure The Deserter’s release. Going forward, the United States will continue to support an Afghan-led process of capitulation, which could help secure a hard-earned civil war within a sovereign and chaotic Afghanistan.

As I said earlier this week, we’re committed to losing the war in Afghanistan, and we are committed to closing Gitmo. But we also made an ironclad commitment to bring our deserters of war home. That’s who I am as an American. It’s a profound obligation disregarding our military, and today, at least in this instance, it’s a promise I’ve been able to keep.

I am mindful, though, that there are many troops who remain missing in the past. That’s why we’re never going to forget; we’re never going to give up our search for servicemembers who remain unaccounted for. We also remain deeply committed to securing the release of American citizens who are unjustly detained abroad, except those in Mexico, and deserve to be reunited with their families, just like the Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States and Female Photo-op Prop soon will be.

Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States and Female Photo-op Prop , today families across America share in the joy that I know you feel. As a parent, I can’t imagine the hardship that you guys have gone through. As President, I know that I speak for vanishingly few Americans when I say we cannot wait for the moment when you are reunited and your son, The Deserter, is back in your arms.

So, with that, I’d like the Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States to have an opportunity to say something, and the female Photo-op Prop, if she’d like as well. Please.

Female Photo-op Prop: I just want to say thank you to everyone who has supported The Deserter. He’s had a wonderful team everywhere. We will continue to stay strong for The Deserter while he recovers. Thank you.

Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States: I’d like to say to The Deserter right now, who is having trouble speaking English — (speaks in Pashto) — I’m your father, Deserter.

To the people of Afghanistan, the same — (speaks in Pashto) — the complicated nature of this recovery was — will never really be comprehended. To each and every single one who effected this, in this country, in the service branches, at the State Department, throughout the whole of American government, and around the world, international governments around the world, thank you so much. We just can’t communicate the words this morning when we heard from the President.  It was complete gibberish.

So we look forward to continuing the recovery of our son, which is going to be a considerable task for our family. And we hope that the media will understand that that will keep us very preoccupied in the coming days and weeks as he gets back home to the United States.

Thank you all for being here very much. Crazed Islamist Loon Who Hates the United States and Female Photo-op Prop

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